


Catalyst

by jenojaemin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Office, Angst, Frottage, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, business man!Jaehyun, sad boi!Jaehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:22:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25414615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenojaemin/pseuds/jenojaemin
Summary: He doesn't know why he does it, he doesn't know why it happens. He doesn't know why he can't just let things go, but he does know how much it hurts. How much his own actions break his own heart like it’s not even him anymore. Like those words - that anger - comes from somewhere deep inside him he doesn’t have to guts to explore. It’s scares him, and he doesn’t know what to do anymore.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 10
Kudos: 55





	Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again my friends. I’m back? So soon? Yep.
> 
> I feel like this ends pretty abruptly because originally the plot was quite different, but it felt so right to end it where I did that I couldn’t bring myself to add anything else.
> 
> I really love writing Jaeyong, and I’m definitely going to write more soon so stay tuned. I hope you guys like this, I really enjoyed writing it tbh, so let me know what you think!
> 
> TW: homophobic slurs, mentions of self harm, and just Jaehyun being very sad and mean.
> 
> Enjoy! xx

Jaehyun drives home in near darkness. The roads a sheen with rain - each droplet fogging the air where caramel headlight shone through. The world moves just as slow as the traffic. Like molasses Jaehyun idles between cars for what seems like ages, the world frozen around him and the sky a luminous purple-blue-black, bruised and nearly just as delicate. He lets himself smoke half a pack of cigarettes until it seems more suicidal than time killing, and flicks the last butt out his window into the rain soaked world.

It feels humid, though Jaehyun can't really complain. It's hot and sticky but definitely cooler than before, back at work, his office suffocating him and every time he left the building the outside air was never any better. It was as if summer existed to purposely irritate him; a mortal enemy, it seemed. Earlier Jaehyun contemplates quitting smoking, as sun looms above like some all knowing creature, burning his corneas every time he glanced anywhere but his shoes and the payvement. But rain - he'll take that. Even with humidity, at least there's no sun. And it feels very cathartic when it rains. Like the world is finally sighing, letting weight and pressure off its shoulders and relaxing in relief. Jaehyun grits his teeth at the thought, knowing very well he should take advice from his surroundings. He finishes that pack of smokes by the time he gets home.

Jaehyun parks on the street and doesn't think to ask himself why he doesn't use his parking pass; he figures the garage is full due to the weather but doesn't even bother to check before parking nearly a block away. He forces himself to walk that block through the rain till he's standing alone in the elevator, hot and wet and dampening the dirty industrial carpet. Not even an ounce of relief that could come from the cool rain as the elevator suffocates him, nearly boils his blood in the dripping rainwater, like a stew of his own body parts and organs. It's uncomfortable and nearly painful, making him speedwalk down the hall to his apartment to strip himself of the chafing material as fast as he could. Really, he knows why he did it.

If Jaehyun was really, truly honest with himself, he didn't feel all too bad for screening his mothers phone calls. He knows he should, but she knows he's busy - knows he's tired. If anything he should be calling her when he has the chance, and she should know he really hardly ever has one. She shouldn't be nagging, nearly guilt tripping him into it - who wants a forced conversation, anyways? It just didn't make sense to him, but he doesn't care - really, he doesn't. Either way, he doesn't talk with her. He lets his answering machine blink and doesn't even check to see what she's said or if it's even her. Everyone important has his cell or work phone, the landline only existed for emergencies and this exact occasion. He does know what she said, though, without even pressing the button. _"I miss you", "call back", "your father has been driving me insane"_ , and _"do you want to come for dinner? I'll make whatever you want"_ , all of which require the same, textbook answer he's sure she's heard enough to not need it repeated. In some ways Jaehyun thinks it's a good backhand to her self soothing parenting, hardly ever there when Jaehyun remembers himself crying as a child - but it's a bit much to find reasoning that deep for the kind of surface-level person he was. He's busy, and he'll leave it at that.

He didn't need to dig deep into most things. He was fine skimming the fat off the top of most his emotions, no real flavour or nutrition in anything he found but, perhaps jaded, he didn't mind, really. He liked to stick to the 9 to 5. The casual lunches out with coworkers and clients, the conversations that never breeched past anything remotely formal, nearly sounding rehearsed - but that's the way Jaehyun liked it. He liked knowing what to expect, how things would go. If Jaehyun could rehearse it in front of a mirror, he could perfect it. There's no room in his image for slip ups and because of that, there's no room for interpersonal relationships, even if he wanted them. It was all professional, all sterile, and nothing bloomed enough to interfere with his work - which was a good thing. It was comfortable, or so he told himself.

Really Jaehyun's not entirely sure how the rest of the office gets on with sleeping around and getting drunk together every Friday night. If anything he should be offended that they don't bring him along, but he's not much of a social drinker, and it seems every cubicle on the floor was intimidated by him, though he can't say thats entirely his fault. In fact Jaehyun was rather proud of the image he's obtained throughout the company. It's kind of an intoxicating feeling to sense the anxiety in a room double when walking in. If his presence meant his employees worked harder, even a little, he was happy to carry that, even if it was a little sadistic. But time and time again, the office is empty at five on a Friday, Jaehyun alone without even his secretary to buzz for a question he could have answered on his own, and Jaehyun finds himself wondering if he's really all that comfortable after all.

Jaehyun didn't have all too many friends growing up. Just thinking that brings a scowl to the thirty something mans face, because he knows a sentence like that usually is meant to produce pity; it wasn't like that. He lived in the heart of the city now and loved every single thing about it, but as a child Jaehyun grew up in a town with only a handful of people. And within that handful Jaehyun only really got on with his mother and his priest, and occasionally the other alter boys who sat with him eating ritz crackers and sugar free grape juice after mass - past that, there were few and far between. There were kids at school who sat with him during lunch, didn't talk but if they were okay with his presence then Jaehyun was okay calling them a friend, at least so he wouldn't be completely lying to his mother when she asked his friends names. 

He's really not sure if it's his fault or not. If he was a weird kid there wasn't much that could have been done, for one, he was completely oblivious to the fact he was suppose to have friends. His mother was fully content letting him believe most boys his age played on their own and spent most of their time reading the bible and doing chores - what mother wouldn't be, really - but Jaehyun does resent her a bit for not forcing him to the birthday parties he had been given an invitation to, even if the rest of the class had too. It’s hard to believe his lonely childhood didn’t have an affect on his similar adulthood. So perhaps it was her fault, in some way.

There's no doubting that his upbringing had a more than substantial impact on his current life. Through college it became quite obvious to Jaehyun that he was the odd one out - he had grown up exponentially faster than the rest of the kids at the all boys college, and because of that, he was different. Surprisingly, though, Jaehyun did have people he considered friends. Well, not particularly. He spent time with people he met during school, he went out and he drank and went to parties with these peers, but he never really considered them friends, they said Jaehyun was theirs, though, and he was okay with that. Even if they didn't seem to get on too well, they were just happy to have another body and another bottle of liquor at their parties. The closest to a friend Jaehyun had ever found were the kids who spent 90% of their time in the library. It was bound to happen, seeming as though Jaehyun regarded college as a place for learning, and not much else. So Jaehyun did find himself in the library till late, and because of this, he ended up with the inevitable group of misfits. But even those nerdy, dorky kids - the ones Jaehyun thought, if anyone, he could really get along with enough to consider more than just an acquaintance - wanted to do more than just study. They wanted to watch movies and play video games and talk and as Jaehyun's cold, spiteful younger self said directly to their faces. _"I'd rather suck off an exhaust pipe."_ Senior year was the loneliest, and Jaehyun's favourite by far.

It seemed to be all okay until Jaehyun had hit thirty-one. Something snapped and something snapped hard - he didn't like it. Suddenly he had so many feelings and desires and it made his skin crawl. The dam had broke, it seemed, and suddenly Jaehyun was becoming a human being, for lack of a better word. And suddenly Jaehyun hated ever being seen as anything but.

He keeps it down - way down. Probably becomes even more cruel than he had been before as a mask for his changing attitude around relationships and people. He's sure his employees don't love it and his mother is going insane as she finally gives into the technological age and texts and emails and instant messages - in 2020, seriously - him only to have every single attempt unread, sent to spam, and blocked. Jaehyun's not entirely sure when being professional turned into being spiteful and vicious, but he's not entirely sure he can stop it - even if he tried.

The stress in the office is exemplified. Jaehyun walks into the main room just to head to the copier and every set of eyes land on him like a pack of startled deer, leaving the room it feels like the entire building sighs with relief and Jaehyun hates it. He hates it so, so much. Because they throw a birthday party for Taemin from HR and they don't even give Jaehyun a word about it before he walks to the copier again to see an empty office and a conference room full of laughter and cake and party hats. He tries to slip in and join but silence drops with his looming presence. He sits in the corner eating his share of the cake he knows his waistline doesn't need and leaves the plate half eaten before straightening himself out, and making his way back to his office to sit, alone again, ashamed of even trying to be personable. He's not entirely sure how to make that switch, or worse, if it's even possible at this point. 

Jaehyun's secretary, Irene, is probably the only one in the office who doesn't hate him, or at least not as much. She's scared of him too, clearly, but she's personable and doesn't stick her nose in shit that doesn't belong to her. She takes his mother's calls and gives excuses and she says good morning and goodnight everyday with not much zeal, still more often than any of his silent underlings. Jaehyun thinks if he could call anyone in the world his friend, it would be Irene, though that is definitely a stretch. Especially because just as he thinks this, walking into the office one Tuesday morning to receive those harsh stares, per usual, he proves himself wrong, yet again.

Jaehyun stands at her cubicle, waiting for her to come back from the break room with the letter that was left on his desk gripped in his shaky hands and utter venom in his throat. "What is this?" He spits as he sees the first glance of her across the office.

She stops in her tracks, stunned as every set of eyes turn to her, before she speed walks to Jaehyun's eye level. "I'm resigning..." She says in a very forcibly hushed tone, obviously not wanting anybody but the two of them to be involved in the conversation; Jaehyun doesn't heed that.

"Why?" He booms - he hadn’t bothered to read the resignation past the important information. He didn’t care. She winces, and proceeds to give an explanation Jaehyun doesn't entirely care for, and to show this, he drops her resignation letter on her desk, crumpled like her heart, and leaves promptly in the middle of her words.

From the door to his office he throws a look back to see Irene nearly in tears and, as usual, every single person in the office watching intently in awe. He scoffs. "You know, there's not much I hate in this world, but a lack of loyalty just boils my blood." He slams the door behind him. 

Jaehyun's sure what little positivity clung to his image before is now shattered into a billion pieces as he hears chatter start up from behind his office door he slumps on. He doesn't know why he does it, he doesn't know why it happens. He doesn't know why he can't just let things go, but he does know how much it hurts. How much his own actions break his own heart like it’s not even him anymore. Like those words - that anger - comes from somewhere deep inside him he doesn’t have to guts to explore. It’s scares him, and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

He gives Irene double severance pay and lets her keep her company phone, writing it off as loss. Jaehyun just hopes that it comes off as kindness, and not a poor excuse for an apology both of them knew he could never make verbally. Irene does smile at him the day she leaves, and Jaehyun hopes it’s genuine, and not out of fear of being screamed at again. He knows the answer to those hopes, though. 

There were a few daring employees - not ever single one was petrified of Jaehyun, at least when he wasn’t around. Jaehyun remembers this as a search for a new secretary begins. The daring employees were either new and ignorant - though Jaehyun can't see how that would be possible, since every one of his employees in his office has had a sit down meeting with him - or the seniors in the office who knew how to deal with Jaehyun's shit. Often times while perspective workers sat outside his office, some light teasing would take place from said longer term employees. It was a bit of a hazing situation, the seniors and the freshmen. Not too violent but not entirely great for Jaehyun if he ever wanted to shake his war lord reputation, which he really did at this point. 

These kids - and really, they were kids, no matter their age, baby faced and fresh out of business school with smiles on plastered over their mug (it felt like they almost deserved the bullying for being so damn happy in a place Jaehyun can't remember genuinely smiling in for probably five years) - came in excited and only slightly nervous, only to be quaking in their seats after Jaehyun's subordinates had their way with them. None of it was necessary, really. Jaehyun didn't approve of it - in fact he's sure most of the staff who did it didn't even know he was aware of it happening. But in some ways, it was good. If they couldn't handle the horror stories their future fellow coworkers spat at them, they couldn't handle working under Jaehyun. So it was a system that wasn't all too polished, but definitely not a system Jaehyun had at the top of his list to fix.

But from that, the daring ones - if they had a good sense of humour, perhaps too good, too light hearted - none of the intended fearmongering really got to them. Their palms would sweat and their faces would drop pale but at least they didn't pass out or throw up - Jaehyun would consider that a win. Often times they would get the job because of that, since calling an ambulance and having his carpet torn up were kind of a shot to the record, anything above that bar was considered pretty good. And those who did that well, ended up being the ass kissers. The ones who brought Jaehyun coffee and complimented him on his ties, who stayed late and overachieved without knowing that was the exact person Jaehyun loathed. He's sure someone would tell the newbies about it, but perhaps they didn't want to save someone from something nearly every one of them had endured under him at some point. So they just sat back, and watched.

It was as if Jaehyun were not human, to them. Not that he cared - really, he didn't, but maybe it hurt, just a little. Of course he would never let that show. As their boss and as the head of the branch Jaehyun has a reputation to uphold, he needed to be recognized in his position of power and respected for it too. The thing was, he knew a lot of other high ups who got on fantastically with their workers, nearly a family like atmosphere when he made mandatory visits to other branches. It's not that Jaehyun was jealous of their work life. He wasn't particularly interested in anyone in his office to the point where he'd want to call them friends or spend excess time with them outside of work, but maybe he was jealous, of the fact that they could if they wanted to. Of the fact they could get close, when Jaehyun found it impossible. 

At any other point in his life, Jaehyun would have torn his new secretary to shreds for even daring to pry into his personal life. But at this very odd stage - hating himself more than usual, wanting to change like he never had before - he was all ears. Well, as much a Jaehyun could be, he was still rather reserved nearly 100% of the time, with everyone.

The guy had worked for the company before, years ago. Some branch down in Busan where he was a receptionist and did just as well as a receptionist could - mediocre, Jaehyun would say, but he kept his mouth shut. He looked younger than he was, but his resume was all too long for that to be true. He had a sort of mousy anxiousness to him, though you might be able to chalk that up to his wide eyes and lanky body. Jaehyun would ask why the kid wanted a job nearly anyone could do, a job that he was completely overqualified for, but again, he kept his mouth shut. Not out of respect, but out of his desperate need to hire this guy. He was quiet but polite, chummy but not friendly, professional but still with a lighthearted charm, and he was the first guy over twenty-five to have applied for any job under Jaehyun within four years - so Jaehyun was sold. He was done dealing with children, and with a week where Jaehyun hardly even remembers interacting with the guy past anything purely professional, he'd say he made a good choice.

Now, though, he's not so sure. This kid - though Jaehyun's he’s older than him, shorter, yes, but not by much - Kim Doyoung or something - he's sure that's close - has the gall to ask Jaehyun, "Are you alright?"

To which Jaehyun replies, with an averted gaze and the stalest laugh he can muster, "Why wouldn't I be?"

Monday morning comes and Jaehyun's hands shake over just the thought of growing a relationship with someone who didn't know any better. Who didn’t know what a sinkhole of a human being Jaehyun was. And even worse, at this point in his life, Jaehyun's not sure he would reject Doyoung's friendship, or anyone's for that matter. Without the precedent for these things he's not too sure if Doyoung is even a good fit for him - do they click, or is Doyoung just being nice? Is he sucking up? Jaehyun has become a starved man it seemed, though, hungry and scavenging for any form of affection past girls he hooked up with from clubs every so often when he was in need of physical attention. He does his best to hold back but when in the elevator with Doyoung, watching him clearly recognize his sigh as much more than the kind of Monday blues everyone arrived in with, and nudges his shoulder with an elbow and a half sincere chuckle to _”Lighten up, man. Life only ever looks dark to those who refuse to step out into the sun.”_ and something just breaks and he's so fucking glad he's the only one to have firing power in the office.

Doyoung doesn't do much to stop Jaehyun from crying. There's no doubt he's heard all the horror stories about his boss so it's probably just a field day for him watching the fiasco - he probably wishes he had popcorn or at least a camcorder. But something tells Jaehyun that maybe this guy has a bit more heart than the employees who have learned to resent him over the years. He places a palm against Jaehyun's back as Jaehyun covers his slobbering face with his shaking hands, his body wracking with ugly sobs - it feels like fucking torture, like it's ripping through his chest. All his pain that bottled itself up inside his mind now flooding his body, contracting his muscles and burning his flesh like he was being electrocuted and boiled alive. He sure Doyoung feels more than uncomfortable, only knowing his boss for a week or so now and knowing nothing but his business schedule and coffee order, it's probably surreal, but Jaehyun can't do much to hold himself back at this point. "I'm so fucking pathetic."

Doyoung really does the best a practical stranger can for another, which would be pretty respectable if Jaehyun had a history of ever caring about that kind of thing, but he does appreciate the pat on the back, as much as he despises physical contact. It’s warm. "Hey, ya'know, it's not that big of a deal, man. I don't know what it is but I'm sure it'll get better?" Doyoung offers with a reassuring squeeze of his shoulder, though Jaehyun's still not too keen on the sensation, he doesn’t flinch away. He cries harder. "Maybe you just need to talk to someone, or get drunk, or high, or maybe you just need to get laid or -"

Sex and love are never the same thing and truthfully just become painful when both interact. Jaehyun doesn't care, and spits with a whip of his head - "Yes.” Doyoung looks a bit startled, and lifts his hand from his boss’ shoulder. "Yes. That. Do you know anyone?"

"Uhh... I don't know if you'd like any of the girls I know..." That's code for _'I don't want all my friends to think I'm a horrible person for hooking them up with a basket case'_. Jaehyun feels infuriated since that was so very clearly what Doyoung was saying, but his train of thought is so narrowed at this point all Jaehyun really cares about is getting what he asked for. He needs affection - something. Anything to sedate him. "Maybe we could go to a bar? Or, you know what, I know what you'll like." And with that devilish grin, Jaehyun knows exactly what Doyoung was suggesting. He can't say he's entirely opposed, as sleazy as it sounds. He blows his nose in his pocket square and throws it against Doyoung's chest before they reach their floor, all memories of the incident left on ground level.

Surprisingly enough, nobody looks at Jaehyun too oddly the next day - or at least not anymore odd than they usually did. It seems, somehow, Doyoung had keep his mouth shut about what had happened in the elevator, and their plans for Friday. Maybe he was just afraid of getting fired - which made sense seeming as though Jaehyun had thought of doing just that the second he caught himself crying - but it also seemed as though Doyoung actually cared. He smiled at Jaehyun with a very sweet, gummy smile and brought him coffee and made sure his _'good morning's_ and _'goodnight'_ s were completely full of zeal, and it was as if he could tell what Jaehyun wanted, and how hard it would be to give to him. Jaehyun knew that it couldn't be him, but was thankful someone wanted to try.

Jaehyun's not a man who chases after carnal desires. He's not someone who can't keep himself in check around a girl with a large rack or someone hits on every girl who doesn't reject eye contact with him, but now, sitting beside a man who fits into all of those categories, he's finding it hard not to become something similar. He never had a need for something like that, romantically or sexually - for the most part he was satisfied with what he could do with himself, another person wasn't really necessary for those rare occasions he did need to get off and if they were, he was gone the minute he was finished with them. But somehow he ends up here, his forearms sticking to a leather chair and his tie being yanked at by a blonde girl in a loosely themed star wars outfit (he presumes), while Doyoung stares in awe. Perhaps a therapist or a date would be cheaper and safer but the club serves pretty good whiskey and holy fuck, does he like a girl with a good ass - especially when it's in his lap.

Her name is Candy, or Cookie - maybe even Carly or nothing even remotely similar - Jaehyun's not paying attention. Doyoung watches the two of them with enough intent for Jaehyun's lacking, as if it's the most fascinating thing in the world, slipping bills into her panties despite not even being the one serviced, or whatever. Jaehyun's not too sure he enjoys this as much as he was suppose to. The girl is very beautiful. She smells a little sickly sweet and her makeup is so heavy Jaehyun wonders if what he's looking at even resembles what's underneath. It's not a turn off, but then again, Jaehyun wasn't really turned on to begin with.

Without much of a word she brings him and Doyoung back into a private room. Whether it's because she can sense the sadness that needs to be catered to - clearly, that the two men were here for Jaehyun's sake, though Doyoung did appear much more eager - or because she reads his armani suit and rolex like a book - a chequebook. If Jaehyun's being honest he probably could have gotten a bit more into it, she was definitely willing, definitely pretty. But his mind was gone from the second he set foot in the stuffy place. He sits and lets her have her way with him, as if he cares. Not even daring to tuck bills into her poor excuse for clothing - or a costume, pretty inaccurate, really, he doesn't remember there being female storm troopers or them being hot pink - until the end when he throws a wad of cash down, moneyclip and all, an overly polite, red faced 'thank you' and a bow before Jaehyun's nearly sprinting out of that place without his $1,200 suit jacket and without Doyoung even realizing. The last thing he wanted was to talk, but it seemed like the second last thing he wanted was to be touched, or even looked at. Because his skin crawls with her scent as Jaehyun slams himself against the crumbling brick of the strip club to light a cigarette with his shaky hands. He doesn't know how to fix any of this.

His reputation, his relationships. Fuck, he doesn't even know how to fix his own thoughts because everything he does, trying to chase after what he thinks his heart seems to want so bad just ends up blowing back up on him. He’s broken beyond repair. Scrap metal not even worth recycling. Jaehyun thinks he finds a solution - or perhaps just relief, something - staring back at him in the distorted reflection of his zippo and the burning cherry of his cigarette nearly inching itself towards the pale skin of his inner arm on their own, the rush that would flood him as it burned his pale skin - but not brave enough to start that kind of thing. He bursts the skin open on his lower lip with his teeth, touches the blood with the tip of his tongue until it runs dry, stained his filter, and that's as far as he can take it. Still, left without a solution or release that would do him enough good to sleep at night.

Down the alleyway Jaehyun finds a reason to believe his last plan of pain may not be his only option, as a sillouhette turns to reveal a stare, down at him, striking fear, he thinks - no, _love_ \- into his very soul. The white of hiseyes illuminate through the darkness, through a dark gaze and Jaehyun wonders if this is what fight or flight feels like. He could run - hell, he could walk away, really. It wasn't even a horrible area of town, just the worst part of a good area. Doyoung's tastes were on the expensive side, and Jaehyun could tell this had been a place the man had frequented before. He would have warned Jaehyun if it was a bad area - he hopes, at least.

What Jaehyun finds is a bit different than fear, in fact, he finds a bit of longing as the stranger steps forward into the toxic yellow light that hung in the alleyway. Because those features light up, and beauty - unearthly beauty - shines through. Jaehyun's heart still races as shadows shift over his face like a serpent through mud, slowing inching towards Jaehyun - but he doesn't make an effort to leave, or to even tell himself he wants to. It's not certain he's safe but, looking at the pale expanse of his slightly exposed chest and neck, and the flushed pink of his lips, Jaehyun's not certian he even wants to be anywhere else but closer. If that's what danger looked like, Jaehyun's positive he never wanted to be safe.

"Didn't find what you were looking for?" The stranger calls from still a few feet away - not a proper distance for a conversation. _'Come closer.'_ Jaehyun thinks to himself.

He shakes his head though, nervously avoiding eye contact and not entirely sure of the question or if he had actually heard it over his own thoughts. It registers, though, as the stranger smiles, and steps over the cardboard boxes and milk crates that blocked the distance between the two of them. Jaehyun sort of feels like he's in a fairytale, or maybe on a bad acid trip. The sound of the footsteps ring hallow and soft, almost as if the two were underwater, slowly floating towards each other. Jaehyun feels high off the atmosphere, his thoughts swimming at half speed before he realizes this guy - this _thing_ \- is standing directly in front of him. He makes an effort to remind himself how much he's drank.

He's not entirely sure what he's looking at - who he's looking at. There's a soft face and very bloodshot eyes, twinkling in the moonlight, and a cigarette perched between perky, cracked lips. Dark hair and dark clothing and dark eyes - a dark heart. Pretty, but unusually so. “Hi.” He manages to squeak. 

The stranger smiles - Jaehyun's so lucky. His smile is beautiful - everything about him is beautiful. "I'm Taeyong." Jaehyun only stares still, attempting to comprehend how this is a person and not a hallucination. Jaehyun feels as though he's dreaming.

Jaehyun sticks his hand out for Taeyong. "Jung Jaehyun." He says with a business smile, not knowing any other. Taeyong shakes it with a warm palm and bony fingers.

Before Jaehyun can even begin to enjoy this strangers presence - before he can think to ask for his everything, regardless of price - his world comes crashing down around him as his name is shouted from a rather familiar voice - now a bit more piercing than as helpful as it was at work - down the alleyway. "Where the fuck did you go?" Jaehyun thinks that sounds pretty redundant, when he's standing right in his eye line. 

From where Doyoung seemed so sweet for attempting help him, he becomes annoying. Nothing else. His image is tarnished from there on out. Jaehyun's way more pissed than he should be, very overly emotional because he's formed a connection with something he's not even sure is human, and Doyoung's about to ruin it all, of fucking course. At work everything he said was kind and helpful and Jaehyun felt as though he may be finally making it somewhere - coming out of his evil image and into his own, forming a personality after thirty-one goddamn years - but of course, he could never be right. Because the person Jaehyun thought was so good for the job and for his possible first friendship in years - or ever, really - ruined whatever was about to happen between him and Taeyong. Taeyong, who smiles at him with soft, black, round pebble eyes, and Taeyong, who lets his hand fall to Jaehyun's bicep and his body drift closer with obvious intent to show that what was going on in the seclusion of the alleyway, need not be interrupted.

"Who's this?" Doyoung asks as he steps into their space, shoving Jaehyun blazer to his chest as he trails his eyes over Taeyong's body, tone as if it were a joke - as if Taeyong was a joke. Jaehyun feels rage pool in the pit of stomach as Doyoung looks at him with more of an inhuman curiosity than attraction, though he's sure either way he would be jealous. Doyoung laughs. "Why are you talking to this faggot?”

Jaehyun slams his arm against Doyoung's chest and Taeyong recoils in shock, his hand dropping from Jaehyun's shoulder the instant of impact. Jaehyun only feels sorry for startling Taeyong, and definitely not for Doyoung's soon to be bruised pecs. "I should go..." Taeyong says with a stilted voice, Jaehyun frowns. "It was nice meeting you, Jaehyun." And his frown continues as Taeyong begins to walk down the alley which he came, though twice as fast.

For a moment Jaehyun contemplates chasing after him, if that really would be appropriate - but like before, it seems his mind is slow on the uptake, and his feet begin to move faster than he can even think to tell himself it would be wrong to scare the doe off any further. But Doyoung no longer follows, thankfully, and a second more alone with this person Jaehyun's sure he loves already, is a second spent wisely.

Jaehyun gives Taeyong his business card, tells him he wants to see him, somehow, somewhere. "Please... I don't usually do this." Taeyong doesn't seem to believe him, having met him outside a strip club, after all. He seems reluctant but tucks the card away, his eyes continuously flicking from Jaehyun's face, down the alley to Doyoung. Something tells Jaehyun that that word hadn't been too kind to Taeyong in the past, and because of this, he's not too keen on sticking around anybody who would use it, for his own sake. It's understandable. "He's harmless, I promise."

Taeyong twists his mouth to the side. "Yeah, I bet." Jaehyun's sure Taeyong feels as though he overreacted. He just wishes he knew him more to assure him whatever he's feeling is valid - he's allowed to be upset. Jaehyun hovers on that for a moment, wondering why he's never said those words to himself, and wondering why they seemed so flat when he tried to take them as advice for himself. Perhaps Jaehyun just knew what others needed more than himself. At least, he hoped he did.

When Doyoung clears his throat down the way Jaehyun realizes the silence that had dropped between the two, and those tired eyes now follow Jaehyun's day dreaming ones. They're gone the second Jaehyun meets them, unfortunately, and all he wants to do is tilt the boy's chin to make him look up, but he tucks that away for, hopefully, another day. "Do you need cab fare?"

Without much but a shameful shrug and bow when Jaehyun hands him the last of the cash in his wallet, he's gone. He waves from the cab window and Doyoung runs to catch up with them, clearly keeping his distance before because of respect for Taeyong's wishes, or much the opposite. When Doyoung speaks, "What the fuck was that? Where did you find that thing?" Jaehyun figures it's much closer to the latter, sadly. He doesn’t speak to Doyoung for the rest of the night. 

Taeyong had to have known they worked together. For one from their small encounter as a pair all Taeyong could see was that Jaehyun didn't care all too much for Doyoung's presence, but he was around nonetheless. To Jaehyun that would mean they were colleagues, or maybe bitter siblings forced to spend time together - but that doesn't seem so likely standing outside strip club at two a.m. So it's odd when Jaehyun finds Taeyong sat outside his office on Monday, waiting as if he were any other client, though, definitely more anxious and self aware. His eyes lock on Jaehyun's the second he recognizes him, and stands to greet him, a small smile upon his pretty lips. Without a word Jaehyun brings him into his office. It've been nice if Doyoung had paged him instead of letting Taeyong sit anxiously for however long he waited. Jaehyun would be in the right mind to fire him, really, but at the moment he stays focused on something a bit more important.

It's hard to tell if Taeyong looks different in daylight, or just sober, but he definitely has a shifted appearance, sitting small in Jaehyun's office. His face is still a picture of youthful, albeit seemingly exhausted, beauty, and his hair an overgrown mop of black that curls around his cheeks and neck, but he definitely looks much more innocent like this. No tear reddened eyes or sickly shadows to speak of. A tshirt and jeans and an overly baggy, rain damp windbreaker that nearly engulfs him whole and makes an irritating scratching noise when he moves. Taeyong pulls his hair behind his ears and Jaehyun could swear the kid is ten years younger than before. "Why did you come here?"

Taeyong blinks for a second, and cocks an eyebrow. "You said you wanted to see me...?"

Well, that's true, but Jaehyun more expected him to call and talk, then perhaps make arrangements to meet. Jaehyun likes that though; Taeyong does what he's told. "Do you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee?"

Taeyong shakes his head with polite smile, his hair falling from its perch behind his pierced ears. He pulls it back again, and contradicts himself as he says, with a bit of embarrassment, "I'll have some tea, please." Jaehyun doesn't mention it being cute, but he's sure his admiring smile gives him away.

For only a short bit Taeyong stays in his office. He sits with his knees together on Jaehyun's leather sofa and picks at his cuticles, gnaws at his lip. Despite this they make quite nice small talk. Taeyong asks what Jaehyun does and seems actually rather interested when he tells him all about it. Perhaps Jaehyun talks about himself a bit too much but even when he tries to flip the conversation back to Taeyong, he seems quite closed off. All Jaehyun wants is to sit and listen to him talk, really. He wants to know every single thing about him. To explore every nook and cranny of his person. He's got the prettiest voice Jaehyun's ever heard - deep but not jarring, still soft and melodic and his laugh sounds rather ridiculous, Jaehyun's so glad he could bring it about, even if it was out of awkwardness. 

It's probably not a mystery that Jaehyun's attracted to Taeyong. Not to Taeyong himself, not to Doyoung, and not to the entire office who watch as Jaehyun walks him to the elevator, with his hand on the small of Taeyong's back and a mutual grin on each other's faces. He's not sure if he wants it to be a secret, though he knows it should be. For reasons based in age, gender or social status, Jaehyun should sweep it under the rug. He should keep it down and make the meeting seem as professional as possible, for his and also Taeyong's sake. But he can't help the smile that sticks to his face after Taeyong leaves. He can't help the spring in his step and the sudden glow of his heart because he's just so in love with the kid - he doesn't know how he's suppose to keep that in. How he’s not suppose to scream it from the rooftops. And everyone knows, from the second Taeyong stepped foot in the building, that something was going on. It seemed like the beginning of Jaehyun's downfall - and he didn’t quite care to stop it. 

Unfortunately for him, work catches back up. After all, before the whole fiasco on Friday night, Jaehyun's life centred around work, in full - even despite his growing anxiety over his image since his birthday. Even over the weekends when his time wasn’t spent sleeping, every other hour was Jaehyun running errands and making phone calls nobody should have to on a Saturday afternoon. Though he was thankful, slightly, because without it Jaehyun was sure he would have gone mad that weekend just laying around waiting for Monday morning - waiting for Taeyong. The boy lingers in his thoughts after he leaves but eventually fizzles out, like every other thing would. It's not as if he hates it. Jaehyun spent most of his adult life thus far immersed in work and loving every second of it, so to sink back into the routine, day to day monotony is almost comforting. The only thing that bugged him was that he had met Taeyong as a result of his loneliness, and whether he was meant to fill that space or not, Jaehyun wasn't sure, but being the first to enter the running for it - aside from Doyoung and his swiftly dwindling positive reputation with Jaehyun - meant he probably would end up being some sort of vice for Jaehyun, one way or another. Work was a good thing, then, because Jaehyun wasn't entirely sure Taeyong would want to be used like that, he’s not sure how hurt he would be in the end, because Jaehyun needed a lot of fixing. 

What Taeyong wanted from Jaehyun wasn't entirely clear, either. For the most part Jaehyun couldn't tell why he would ever want to spend time with him in the first place, having met him late at night, drunk, and hopelessly imprinted on him after only a few seconds of eye contact and a touch to his shoulder that gave him night sweats. Not to mention the fact that he was with someone Taeyong wasn't too keen on - Jaehyun's skin crawls imagining how uncomfortable the boy must have been when he walked into Jaehyun's work only to have to speak directly to the one who called him such a nasty word just to get to Jaehyun. But he did do that - he went through all the trouble to come see Jaehyun, and for what? Something had to be mutual, and despite Taeyong's stilted body language that would say otherwise, Jaehyun figured that maybe Taeyong felt at least a fraction of what Jaehyun felt for him.

Jaehyun feels sunlight burn his corneas again. It's as if all his daylight hours being spent inside made it so he was deathly allergic to UV, because when he leaves at noon on a Wednesday to get lunch with Taeyong, he feels his nauseous the second he steps outside. He can't say Taeyong's too keen on the sunlight, either, as he squints behind his sunglasses at a newspaper when Jaehyun approaches the patio. He smiles though, shielding his eyes from the sun even despite the glasses, and welcomes Jaehyun with a kind, warm call of his name from a few meters away.

Taeyong orders a salad for lunch and Jaehyun feels like he's on a date with some stuck up, prissy woman. There’s a reason he doesn’t get set up by his mother anymore. "You can have something bigger, you know." Jaehyun laughs from behind the menu, Taeyong looks over his glasses to meet his averted gaze. "I'm putting this on the company card." Taeyong laughs, and orders a side of fries.

What Jaehyun observes of Taeyong, past their very polished, casual small talk, is how lovely his mannerisms are. He does everything with grace, it seems. He laughs like an angel and smiles like one too. Jaehyun's positively enamoured at this point, and more so than he was on Friday night. Without the whiskey soaked liver and guise of nightfall Taeyong doesn't seem half as threatening, even if that's what drew Jaehyun to him in the first place. He orders a pink lemonade and comments on how cute the drink is, Jaehyun can't think to call anything cute in the face of this beauty's shy smile and breathy laugh - it just seems rude. Taeyong's definitely not what Jaehyun may have expected, but Jaehyun's not too sure he cares all that much.

From the time spent at work and with Taeyong, Jaehyun forgets his plagues from only a week prior. It still hangs around, still stabs at his chest, but much less obvious than before - a dull ache rather than a piercing throb. There's for sure not a solution found but a distraction - that's good enough, for now at least. Something's growing inside him, like a swallowed watermelon seed his stomach turns with how much he's smiling lately. Taeyong's infected him with something, turned him into someone different even if it were for just the little things. Like an extra _'thank you'_ to an employee and a _'good job'_ to another that starts near wildfire of gossip in the office. Jaehyun can't understand why it's happening or even how, but after a long conversation with Taeyong on the phone, over nothing in particular, he ends with a clear smile in his voice, soft and sweet. "I can't wait to see you again." And Jaehyun nearly feels like he's flying.

At this point Jaehyun's deep into his life with Taeyong. Despite being nearly just casual friends, Jaehyun's mind plays up every single thing little Taeyong says to him, chalks it up to mean so much more. A hand lingering too long on his thigh with a ripping laugh means more than just him thinking Jaehyun was funny, a coy smile when Jaehyun compliments him on one of whatever millions of things Jaehyun adored about him is a ploy to make him fall in love. A _'see you soon'_ is just an _'I love you'_ in disguise. Jaehyun wants to tell him that yes, he loves him too - so, _so_ much.

They haven’t said anything about it to each other. Never exchanging words about what their relationship was - what it meant, and it seemed like Taeyong was just as comfortable with that as Jaehyun was. But it was frustrating. In his very few relationships Jaehyun was always the one to make the first move. He didn’t think much of it because any girl who spent time talking to him usually only did so because they were interested in him sexually. He wouldn’t ask - wouldn’t think to ask. He’d kiss them, wait for a response, and soon enough they’d be back at his apartment, naked and tangled in each other. 

But he never liked them like he liked Taeyong. He never spent time with the girls he dated - if you could even call it dating. He thinks that maybe the reason he had such an easy time fucking whoever he wanted was because he didn’t care about them. As Taeyong sits beside him on a park bench, the cool night air feeling refreshing against his neck, and Taeyong’s shoulder brushing up against Jaehyun’s as they watch the pigeons peck at the gravel on the road - he realizes he’s scared. He’s shy. Taeyong catches him looking, and gives him a soft smile and Jaehyun _blushes_ for Christ sake. He cared about Taeyong - more than anything in the world. It wasn’t just lust anymore. His stomach didn’t churn because it felt wrong - because he was a man. He felt sick in such a wonderful way, so often, because he liked Taeyong. He liked him as a person, and not an object. 

Taeyong doesn’t look away. Not when Jaehyun’s gaze snaps back down to the pavement and his ears burn red, not when he clears his throat and sits up, trying to convince Taeyong he didn’t see what he thought he did. “Jaehyun...” His voice calls, like he’s a million miles away. His eyes are drawn back to Taeyong’s now unsmiling face - his dark irises and his pert lips. He’s drowning in the sight, perplexed how he ever willed himself to look away in the first place. There was nothing worth admiring more than him. 

It seems Jaehyun had a bit of an obsessive personality. In a quite selfish way, too. Everything he wanted - he got. He worked so hard to get where he was and because of that, it seemed, to him at least, he deserved everything. He deserved attention, respect, money, adoration. All of it. And over the past few months, suffocating in his own self hatred he realized how wrong that entitlement was, and how uncertain his desires were, as well. He had never not gotten what he wanted - he always did everything he could to get it. He hurt others and broke rules and killed himself over the littlest things because if he didn’t get what he clearly thought he deserved, then he would be worthless. And it was useless, because he’s at the top and everything - the status, the luxury, the money - none of it made him happy. None of the back breaking was worth it because he was still miserable. Then something he didn’t even want - something he didn’t even know was an option, arrived in his life. He was, in most ways, a bad person. Someone who hurt others for personal gain and up until recently had no remorse for such things. He didn’t deserve happiness - he didn’t deserve Taeyong. But there he was, staring at him now, his eyes black and deep, fluttering shut - leaning forward. 

It’s unreal to find what you had been so desperately and unknowingly looking for. Almost frustrating to see all of your hard work and time melt in an instant, and all those things you thought you needed - all those things that supposedly held your happiness - they dissolve. Until it’s just a strangers lips. Soft and warm and damp when his tongue licks over the crease of Jaehyun’s mouth. The world is gone - it might not have ever even been there to begin with. It’s only Taeyong. His tongue inside Jaehyun’s mouth, his cold fingers pressing into the softness of his cheeks, a pant from his open mouth breathing life into Jaehyun’s suffocated lungs. He pulls away - only for a moment. “Do you want to come over to my place?” Jaehyun only answers by kissing him again. 

He doesn’t know what Taeyong’s place looked like. He couldn’t name the floor or apartment number if he was paid a million dollars, but he could map out Taeyong’s body using only his tongue, from memory. He’s naked as soon as he can be, Jaehyun’s hands rough as he strips him, hardly even finished locking his door before he’s done. Taeyong is just as eager, pulling Jaehyun’s shirt out of his dress pants and pushing it till it’s over his chest, attaching his mouth to one of his nipples the second it’s exposed. 

He’s never felt like this. Never needed someone like this. There was this carnal hunger inside his stomach as he touched Taeyong. He couldn’t help the roughness, despite how gentle he wanted to treat him. Taeyong groaned at it. Keened into his touch when he grabbed his head to kiss him, let out angelic moans when he pulled his hips close to his. He loved been needed, it seemed. And god, did Jaehyun need him more than anything. 

It’s scary - new, alien. Embarrassing. Jaehyun’s never touched a man like this - he’s never been touched like this. But he goes absolutely insane for it. The feeling of Taeyong’s body under his mouth. His toned chest and taught stomach. His mewls of Jaehyun’s name. Nothing was more euphoric. Nothing was more addicting. Not a shred of disgust inside his stomach but pure adoration and need for someone who’s gender he had never even considered looking at in such a way. Taeyong’s body pressed against his was the only thing he ever needed. Feeling him. His nails digging welts into his back muscles, his mouth panting hotly against his neck, and - _fuck_ \- his hips grinding against him like he had never had a release in his life. It didn’t feel wrong like he suspected being with a man would. It felt foreign and strange but oh so lovely. Heavenly as Taeyong’s erection rubs against his own, as his fingers circle around him and as his spine curves, his head ducking before he’s swallowing, so tight, around Jaehyun’s cock. 

He’s done this before. Many times, probably. Jaehyun feels a swirl of jealousy flood his stomach until it’s washed away in an instant when Taeyong’s tongue digs into his slit, a smile playing over his swollen lips, peering up at Jaehyun through his eyelashes, his hair stuck to the sweat on his forehead. He’s gorgeous. His mouth opens for him, and Jaehyun let’s himself move his hips, their eyes locked as Taeyong stays frozen and let’s him - _wants_ him to - fuck his mouth. It’s sinful. But somehow Taeyong is still an angel, kneeling before him, his lips stretched wide and his body damp with sweat. “My angel.” Taeyong moans at that, sending vibrations through Jaehyun’s entire body. He is too heavenly for words. 

Taeyong’s mattress squeaks when he’s thrown on it, and the boy himself lets a similar sound out, startled by Jaehyun’s roughness. His eyes are wide when Jaehyun scrambles on top of him, straddling his hips and diving down as fast as he can manage to kiss him - deep and wet. Taeyong sighs into his mouth, laying motionless, spread out, and content beneath him. Finally managing to tear himself away from Taeyong for more than a second Jaehyun sits back on his heels, just looking. Taking him in. He can’t believe that he’s real - that this is real. That for the first time in his life the object of his desires is within his grasp, and for the first time, it fulfills him. He’s happy. 

When Taeyong begins to smile Jaehyun wants to smile back, but realizes it was him who was grinning in the first place. It’s sweet. Tender. Taeyong let’s out a breathy chuckle and Jaehyun can only fall deeper and deeper, watching Taeyong’s elegant hands reach out for Jaehyun’s chest, fingers dancing over his muscles, his gaze following. He scans over Jaehyun from his eyes to his mouth to where his hands trace over the curves of his abdomen, until they’re on his hips, slowly coming to grasp his cock as he flicks his eyes back to Jaehyun’s gaze, smile faded into a bitten lip and heavy lidded eyes. He strokes him slow, almost torturously, watching Jaehyun’s face contort in pleasure like it’s all he ever wanted. 

It’s not the end - it can’t be, Jaehyun thinks. He couldn’t have gotten to Taeyong’s house, stripped him naked and spent what seemed like a decade with foreplay just to end with a hand job. But Taeyong’s fingers curl so delicately around him - tight around the base and then firm against the shaft, pinching the tip and then repeating until Jaehyun feels his mind go hazy, his eyes fluttering shut. They snap open for only a moment when contact is lost, but Taeyong scoots up slightly, tilts his hips and grabs both of them in one hand, and Jaehyun swears he’s going blind. 

He’s a mess - and he wishes he wasn’t, but it’s too hot. The sight and his body. Sweat drips down his neck and trickles down his chest - droplets hanging off his nose when he finally gives into the sensation and leans back down to kiss Taeyong, thrusting into his hand as a means to pick up the pace. Taeyong hardly kisses back, only panting, open mouthed against Jaehyun’s lips. He wonders if this is what he’s like when he’s alone, his eyes rolling and jaw slack. He wonders if he thinks about Jaehyun - thinks about this. About getting fucked by him. “Christ.” Jaehyun’s out of breath. “I’m gonna come.” He warns, his stomach tight and nearly painful as he continues to fuck Taeyong’s hand, their cocks sliding against each other inside the tightness of his fist. 

Taeyong looks at him, whines, “Come with me.” And Jaehyun is gone, over the edge at just the thought. And he does, his hips stuttering and Taeyong’s hand is slick already as they come together, a mess of each other coating Taeyong’s hand and stomach. It’s euphoric. 

It takes a moment for Jaehyun to feel anything besides his own intense pleasure, but slowly his brain clears and he can feel Taeyong’s hand still around the two of them, tight and slick with both their come, his eyes shut in absolute bliss. Jaehyun had never dreamed of this before, had never even imagined something so amazing but, god - looking at Taeyong’s sweaty face, his flushed cheeks, Christ, his dirty hand. It’s all he ever wanted in life. Without another moment he leans down to kiss Taeyong once more, their breaths slowly catching up. 

He watches for a bit, stroking a thumb over Taeyong’s cheekbone, just gazing in hazy adoration at his fluttering eyelashes and flushed cheeks. It’s not as if he’s a perfect man now. Taeyong’s not a solution but a catalyst, rather. He’s made him realize so many things about himself - about the world. Just in meeting him, in loving him, Jaehyun’s positive he’s changed. His cold heart warmed by the mere sight of him, melting further and further the more he learned, the closer they became. He had been lonely. Unhappy. And in chasing after anything he could go alleviate those feelings without a care to anyone around him he became jaded - cruel. It’s not a switch that’s been flipped, but Jaehyun knows he doesn’t have to be like this anymore. And he doesn’t want to anymore - he wants to change. He wants to be a good person. A happy person. And for the first time, watching Taeyong’s sparkling eyes look up at him, a tiny smile over his lips, Jaehyun realizes, he deserves to be. And he’s going to try his hardest from now on. 

He kisses Taeyong once more, delicate and gentle - a thank you - and presses his forehead against his, smiling softly. 

“You make me so happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> (Doyoung I’m so sorry for making you a homophobe it had to be someone plz forgive me bunny boy.)


End file.
